Obvious joke is obvious!
New Moon … Oh dear god. It was brutal in it’s sheer atrociousness. Other than the gratuitously half-naked underaged boys, this film had absolutely no substance – and yet, it’s shattering box office records faster than a sparkly bloodsucker with a whore-wolf on its tail. Sadly, this only serves to confirm that Stephenie Meyer’s laughable “vampires” are sucking the fragile brain cells from the minds of girls and women everywhere who have been seduced by its pathetic tragedy. But why?
Do they relate to the emo desperation of Bella, who is both maddeningly needy and ruthlessly manipulative? She reminds me so much of the girls I went to school with in the 90’s – the ones who slunked in the corners of the cafeteria, hiding their bony bodies under epic layers of grungy flannel, listening to Pearl Jam on their discmans while they secretly cut themselves with plastic knives. Now there’s a role model! Or is it Edward, the enigmatic, mysterious, “impossibly gorgeous” vampire who quotes Shakespeare with a constipated grimace because he’s so deep? Sounds appealing on the surface, but let’s look a bit deeper. Not only is he physically abusive, but he abandons Bella in the woods, when he knows she’ll fruitlessly chase after him, likely getting herself lost. He’s perpetually PMS’ing for one reason or another, and he claims to have no soul … Or a damned soul … Or something. Oh, and his penis is so lethal that if he sticks in it you, you’re dead – which means he’s essentially a walking STD. Say it with me, kids: “I’d hit that!”
And then there’s Jacob, an ambiguously Native American kid who’s the epitome of the “nice guy who finishes last” – until he finally mans up and becomes a werewolf. And yet, despite having spontaneously grown a pair of pecs that look like honey baked hams, he still doesn’t get the girl. Best line of the movie, as quoth by Bella to a (perpetually shirtless) Jacob, as he’s begging her to stay: “Don’t make me choose …” (Looks back at Edward) “Because it will be him.”
CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT! I hope Jacob develops a sexual fixation with your rapidly aging daughter someday.
… Oh wait, that actually happens later in the series. Have I mentioned that Stephenie Meyer is seriously fucked up?
The abs that launched a thousand tween-gasms.
I really don’t know what else to say, except that there’s virtually nothing redemptive in this film – and unless endless scenes of Taylor Lautner’s steroided upper-body sounds appealing, you’ll be frantically grasping for something to huff so you can be put out of your misery. There’s unintentional humor, sure – but is it worth your $10? 2012 would definitely be a better choice if you want to be amused and moderately entertained. And don’t forget having to put up with the legions of Twitards, who are as loathsome as you might expect. Actually, that reminds me – my favorite part of this whole experience was after the movie, when some dude drove past a gaggle of swooning New Moon attendees, rolled down his window, hurled his soda cup at one of their heads, and drove off. EPIC!
So that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it. This movie blows, and there are at least TWO more to suffer through. Curses! Next time, remind me to bring a vibrating touch. At least I’ll get something productive done with my time. ;-)
