Obvious joke is obvious!
New Moon … Oh dear god. It was brutal in it’s sheer atrociousness. Other than the gratuitously half-naked underaged boys, this film had absolutely no substance – and yet, it’s shattering box office records faster than a sparkly bloodsucker with a whore-wolf on its tail. Sadly, this only serves to confirm that Stephenie Meyer’s laughable “vampires” are sucking the fragile brain cells from the minds of girls and women everywhere who have been seduced by its pathetic tragedy. But why?
Do they relate to the emo desperation of Bella, who is both maddeningly needy and ruthlessly manipulative? She reminds me so much of the girls I went to school with in the 90’s – the ones who slunked in the corners of the cafeteria, hiding their bony bodies under epic layers of grungy flannel, listening to Pearl Jam on their discmans while they secretly cut themselves with plastic knives. Now there’s a role model! Or is it Edward, the enigmatic, mysterious, “impossibly gorgeous” vampire who quotes Shakespeare with a constipated grimace because he’s so deep? Sounds appealing on the surface, but let’s look a bit deeper. Not only is he physically abusive, but he abandons Bella in the woods, when he knows she’ll fruitlessly chase after him, likely getting herself lost. He’s perpetually PMS’ing for one reason or another, and he claims to have no soul … Or a damned soul … Or something. Oh, and his penis is so lethal that if he sticks in it you, you’re dead – which means he’s essentially a walking STD. Say it with me, kids: “I’d hit that!”
And then there’s Jacob, an ambiguously Native American kid who’s the epitome of the “nice guy who finishes last” – until he finally mans up and becomes a werewolf. And yet, despite having spontaneously grown a pair of pecs that look like honey baked hams, he still doesn’t get the girl. Best line of the movie, as quoth by Bella to a (perpetually shirtless) Jacob, as he’s begging her to stay: “Don’t make me choose …” (Looks back at Edward) “Because it will be him.”
CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT! I hope Jacob develops a sexual fixation with your rapidly aging daughter someday.
… Oh wait, that actually happens later in the series. Have I mentioned that Stephenie Meyer is seriously fucked up?
The abs that launched a thousand tween-gasms.I really don’t know what else to say, except that there’s virtually nothing redemptive in this film – and unless endless scenes of Taylor Lautner’s steroided upper-body sounds appealing, you’ll be frantically grasping for something to huff so you can be put out of your misery. There’s unintentional humor, sure – but is it worth your $10? 2012 would definitely be a better choice if you want to be amused and moderately entertained. And don’t forget having to put up with the legions of Twitards, who are as loathsome as you might expect. Actually, that reminds me – my favorite part of this whole experience was after the movie, when some dude drove past a gaggle of swooning New Moon attendees, rolled down his window, hurled his soda cup at one of their heads, and drove off. EPIC!
So that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it. This movie blows, and there are at least TWO more to suffer through. Curses! Next time, remind me to bring a vibrating touch. At least I’ll get something productive done with my time. ;-)
I have a confession to make. I have a serious fondness for late night infomercials. This is something that was spawned in my youth when my brother and I used to sneak out of our beds to watch Beavis & Butthead or a racy dating show called STUDS. (Hey, it was the early ’90s – and without Skinemax or the Internet to fall back on, you had to find other ways to corrupt your mind at a tender age!)
Long after my brother had passed out beside me, I’d be sitting there rapt with awe at the enticing offers being hypnotized into my brain by charismatic hosts who claimed that for just “three easy payments”, I could own the latest and greatest in kitchen and household inventions. Seriously, these charlatans were good at plying their wares. Imagine a wide eyed, 12 year-old Scarlett nodding enthusiastically at her television as Ron Popeil deboned his trout with an ultra sharp (yet flexible!) Ginsu knife. “Gosh, Ron! That would be so incredibly handy for all those fresh fish I’m constantly filleting!” That man could have sold me a lakefront villa on Mars. Had I been in possession of a credit card, let me tell you. I’d still be sitting on mountains of debt, but I’d have the most bitching set of kitchen appliances EVER. Rotisserie ham and homemade beef jerky the likes of which you ain’t never seen, baby!
But alas, infomercials have really dulled in the last decade or so, with the same ones playing over and over ad nauseum. Flipping channels at 2am, you’re likely to find 18 stations all pimping the same erectile dysfunction drug, hawked by some random porn industry reject who’s all too eager to tell you how much “size matters”. Lame! But the good news is that a new breed of guilty late night pleasures have cropped up – albeit in bite sized pieces. My favorite is the Trojan Vibrating Touch, which is exactly what it sounds like. Spoony and I used to have to endure this commercial 6x an hour when I made him watch Talk Sex With Sue. (Epically hilarious series with an 80 year old woman giving explicit sex advice to call-in viewers. I am SO going to be that woman someday.) But as you can see, I’ve truly come full circle in my appreciation for “as seen on TV” products. First it was things that go “buzz” in the kitchen, now I prefer things that go “buzz” in the bedroom. Awwwwww yeah.
I love the redhead’s dramatic expressions and overacting. Dirty whore!
… I am SO going to be that woman someday. ;-)
Last night, I had a truly odd dream which was either owing to the rapidly all-encompassing madness of my mind – OR, a brilliant plot line for the quirkiest Adventure games since Grim Fandango. It had it all: the shadowboxed exposition scenes, the multiple-choice dialog options, the inventory filled with mundane items that combined into random and miraculous inventions. (Go go, Gadget Lock-Opening-Spy-Cam-Pencil-of-Wonder!)
The details though – now those were something special. The city’s skyline was comprised of two-dimensional set pieces done in pastel watercolors with a sickening patina of Pepto Bismol pink. The streets were lined with Smart Cars that were powered by fabric zippers embedded in the gravel. Farm animals spoke in indistinguishable accents – and I was particularly fascinated with a chatty goat who was rather exasperated (yet exceedingly polite) and kept saying things like “This situation is making me feel quite put out!” and “I’m rather burdened by your expectations of me!” What I was asking him to do is unclear – although it was entirely legal, I assure you! – but I can understand his distaste.
After all, I was a pigtailed, scantily clad lass named Lolly who worked as an exotic dancer in a strip club. In a mall. And the moniker? My act involved the constant presence of a Tootsie Roll Pop. (In my mouth, thankyouverymuch!) What can I say? Apparently I was an artist with those suckers – in more ways than one! ;-)
So of course the first idea that (lolly)popped into my mind when I woke up was that I needed to play an Adventure game again. Perfectly logical, right? But what to choose? I flipped through my CD case of games and felt uninspired. The Gabriel Knight series is my touchstone of ultimately Adventure gaming awesomeness, but I’ve hesitated to play any of them since the early 2000’s for fear that I’ll be disappointed. After all, once you get into games where strategic choices and actions are key, I’ve found that it’s rather difficult to return to very linear, point-and-click titles where you may need some ingenuity and creative-thinking, but exploration and strategy (not to mention combat) are noticeably absent.
I shuffled past The Longest Journey (#2 on my favorite Adventure games list) and its sequel, Dreamfall, which I got after my transition into RPGs and thus never finished, as it kinda bored me in comparison. Sanitarium was tempting, but I remember having problems running it on Windows XP. I was never particularly keen on Broken Sword, so that got the pass – and I was actually a bit surprised to discover that most of my old Adventure games were AWOL – likely having been sold off years ago on Amazon and eBay. I poked around a little bit on Home of the Underdogs (at one time a site that I lived and breathed for), but it appears that they no longer host downloadable abandonware titles, and instead are mostly a directory/review site.
What I realized in that 30 minutes or so of fruitlessly searching for an engaging Adventure game is that my heart really wasn’t in it. Which is a bit sad, to be honest, but I like the fact that I’ve evolved as a gamer. I’m not saying that Adventures are anything less than other genres, but to me they were always more in the “interactive story” vein, rather than a true “gaming” experience. It was an interesting transition after spending my childhood playing action-oriented games on the original Nintendo, and I think that’s what I truly enjoy about RPGs, in that they seem to strike a fantastic balance between creative-thinking Adventures and fast-paced Action games.
Also, I get to kill stuff – which, for a fiery gal like myself, is a “full of win” situation!
I did happen to notice a game peeking out of its plastic-sleeved abode which caught my eye that might get a coveted install slot on the ol’ PC. It was my greatest disappointment of 2008 – a little game that surely no-one’s ever heard of, called Spore. [/End Sarcasm] I’m wondering if maybe I haven’t given it a fair shake though. I bailed out in the Tribes stage, and I’ve heard repeatedly that the game improves exponentially once you get to space (the final frontier?) But we’ll see if I’m really willing to let Will Wright’s epic let-down back onto my system. After all, I’m told that Jade Empire and Dragon Age: Origins are really worth a look. Which reminds me – I already have the best readers ever!
Off to suck on something hard n’ sweet …
Scarlett ♥
