I have a confession to make. I have a serious fondness for late night infomercials. This is something that was spawned in my youth when my brother and I used to sneak out of our beds to watch Beavis & Butthead or a racy dating show called STUDS. (Hey, it was the early ’90s – and without Skinemax or the Internet to fall back on, you had to find other ways to corrupt your mind at a tender age!)
Long after my brother had passed out beside me, I’d be sitting there rapt with awe at the enticing offers being hypnotized into my brain by charismatic hosts who claimed that for just “three easy payments”, I could own the latest and greatest in kitchen and household inventions. Seriously, these charlatans were good at plying their wares. Imagine a wide eyed, 12 year-old Scarlett nodding enthusiastically at her television as Ron Popeil deboned his trout with an ultra sharp (yet flexible!) Ginsu knife. “Gosh, Ron! That would be so incredibly handy for all those fresh fish I’m constantly filleting!” That man could have sold me a lakefront villa on Mars. Had I been in possession of a credit card, let me tell you. I’d still be sitting on mountains of debt, but I’d have the most bitching set of kitchen appliances EVER. Rotisserie ham and homemade beef jerky the likes of which you ain’t never seen, baby!
But alas, infomercials have really dulled in the last decade or so, with the same ones playing over and over ad nauseum. Flipping channels at 2am, you’re likely to find 18 stations all pimping the same erectile dysfunction drug, hawked by some random porn industry reject who’s all too eager to tell you how much “size matters”. Lame! But the good news is that a new breed of guilty late night pleasures have cropped up – albeit in bite sized pieces. My favorite is the Trojan Vibrating Touch, which is exactly what it sounds like. Spoony and I used to have to endure this commercial 6x an hour when I made him watch Talk Sex With Sue. (Epically hilarious series with an 80 year old woman giving explicit sex advice to call-in viewers. I am SO going to be that woman someday.) But as you can see, I’ve truly come full circle in my appreciation for “as seen on TV” products. First it was things that go “buzz” in the kitchen, now I prefer things that go “buzz” in the bedroom. Awwwwww yeah.
I love the redhead’s dramatic expressions and overacting. Dirty whore!
… I am SO going to be that woman someday. ;-)
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